To Hold and Be Held: Older Adults, MDMA and a Roll in the Park

I’m not in the habit of lying down on lawns next to strangers, let alone gazing lovingly into their eyes. But at an MDMA-infused “Roll in the Park” I recently attended, that was exactly what happened.

When I scored an invitation to this private, annual event through a friend of a friend, it seemed like an ideal research opportunity for my book. About a dozen participants in their late 50s and up were coming together in a rural park to take MDMA and enjoy the afternoon. I’d had several experiences with MDMA in the past but none in a group setting, so I was curious and excited to see how the day would unfold.

MDMA is an “empathogenic” drug which over a period of 5-6 hours induces strong feelings of love and compassion for self and others.  A few weeks earlier, the FDA had roundly rejected MDMA as a treatment for severe PTSD. And yet, if there was any concern among my fellow celebrants about the safety and efficacy of the drug familiarly known as “ecstasy,” I wasn’t seeing it.

As one gray-haired man with a boyish twinkle in his eye observed, it’s OK to do this just for fun.

First we scoped out a quiet, grassy spot far from the park’s main paths. The blankets, mats, and pillows we’d been instructed to bring were laid out on the grass to create a big covered space, and we settled into our camp chairs ringing the periphery.

After some welcoming words, our hosts explained the ground rules for the day. The confidentiality of the event and its participants was to be protected (this post was approved by the organizers). Respecting the need for personal space was imperative. And touching of a sexual nature was absolutely prohibited. Then after a round of introductions, capsules containing “the medicine” were passed around.

Within half an hour, as the MDMA opened the flood gates of our hearts, we slid out of our chairs and down onto the blanketed space. Everyone snuggled and spooned in a dense “cuddle puddle.”

Relaxing into the comfort of all that human warmth, we stroked each other’s hair and arms and (respectfully) whatever was at hand. We gazed into each other’s eyes and expressed the love and beauty we saw. We gave and received freely from one heart to another.

This was healing touch at its most primal: completely non-sexual and totally nurturing. Like being held and soothed by a parent. Most of us had not only raised children, but many had taken care of elderly parents.  At some level, I’m guessing we were aware of having all of these roles within us, the child, the parent, the caregiver, the care receiver. And in those precious moments, we were experiencing them all.

Until that day, other than the host and one friend, I hadn’t known anyone in the group. But even without hearing their backstories, I’m certain that every one of us had fully experienced life’s failures, triumphs and disasters, joys, losses and grief.  Yet there we were, gravitating to the power of love as a constant that shines through it all.

Time went by un-reckoned. After some hours, someone set up a speaker and we danced. With my bare feet pressed into the cool grass and arms stretched to the sky, I felt joyous and free.

As the effects of the drug wore off, we reconvened in our circle. People shared their feelings in ways I’m sure were touching and heartfelt, although I can’t remember a thing that was said.  In the fading light, some reassembled in the cuddle puddle while I and others headed home. It was 7:30 PM and I was exhausted.

My book-in-progress explores the various ways intentional psychedelic experiences are transforming how we age. The deep dive into love I just experienced was one shining example. Rolling in groups not only opens us to the sacred in ourselves and others, but it is also a powerful community-builder and antidote to the isolation so many older adults experience.

MDMA challenges my body, but the following day’s hangover was probably not a bad thing. Such potent medicine should be enjoyed sparingly – for me maybe once or twice a year.  And I came away from the day with wonderful new friends and the renewed conviction that we are at the vanguard of a new counterculture of aging.

*The MDMA experience is often referred to as “rolling”